On Friday morning about 10:15 A.M. I get a text message from a good friend of mine saying simply "call me." He is someone that wouldn't bother me unless it was important. His uncle, and one of my best friends father in law is on hospice and we have been kind of waiting for him to pass, so when I called him I expected to hear "Hey Pat, Bob passed away last night." I would have been very sad but he has been sick for a while. Instead I hear, Hey did you hear what happened last night, and I of course hadnt, then he told me something that absolutely shocked me, my 24 year old friend died in a car accident last night. I was in complete shock. About 10 minutes after hearing this I started to cry and was excused from work. I didn't want to be alone, so I went to my g/fs and we did some chores and errands that took my mind off of it. I knew a bunch of my friends were getting together but I didnt wanna see anyone yet. Then I went to the movies with my g/f friday night and saturday we went to the st louis symphony presents lord of the rings fellowship of the ring. Which the band plays all the music while the movie runs on a big screen, it was incredible because we both love these movies. Anyways, this time the movie really meant something to me with some of the things gandolf said. "End? No, the journey doesn't end here. Death is just another path, one that we all must take. The grey rain-curtain of this world rolls back, and all turns to silver glass, and then you see it." Frodo: I wish the ring had never come to me. I wish none of this had happened.Gandalf: So do all who live to see such times. But that is not for them to decide. All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given to us. There are other forces at work in this world Frodo, besides the will of evil. Bilbo was meant to find the Ring. In which case, you were also meant to have it. And that is an encouraging thought." I never realised how much these meant to me until I had a big loss in my life. Gandolf tells us that death is not the end, and we all have difficult decisions in our lives, its just up to us to figure out how to deal with them. It really sank in.
So then came sunday, the day of the wake. This was the first time I had seen my friends since I heard the news and it still didnt sink in. We went to the wake as a group and the line was so long, about 2 hours, and about 1000 people went to the wake in all. There were pictures set up and everything and just a bunch of things to remind u of him but it still hadnt sank in. His mother and father were greeting people at the casket and it still hadnt sank in. Then it happened, I was about 3rd in line and the person in front of me swayed so that I could see danny in the casket and I felt it. The tears started up. His mom (who was extremely visibly upset) tried to say stuff to me but I couldnt respond because words were too hard to find. We all went outside and kind of hugged each other and looked away in silence for a while. It was real, it had happened and now its over, the life of a person was gone. It sank in so fast and made me feel ill. Yesterday was the funeral, and it was even more brutal. One of his 2 sisters gave a really good speech and was somehow able to talk really well and coherenlty which was suprising. His mom was still crying so loud and painfully that I could barely watch. After the chapel ceremony we left for the casket to get placed into the ground. Once again I couldn't watch his mom sway back and forth in her chair screaming and crying because she just lost someone that can never and would never be replaced. Mothers and sons just have a certain connection that can never be replaced of broken. She literally lost a part of her that day and he will just be a memory, a feeling, a sense of what could have been, and someone who changed her life forever. I've heard that people can die of sadness, they just sort of give up, and I would never had believed it until I saw the true sorrow in her eyes. Luckily she has a great family, and husband to help he pull through this tremendous loss. The other person that really got to me is a good friend of mine and his absolute best friend jason. I mean not everyone, including myself, has that one person who is by and large their best friend. I mean we all have really good and close friends and maybe a friend whom which you prefer the company over others, but not that true I would die for you, soulmate type friend. That was them, it just was, I cannot explain it but if you knew them you would understand that family is just blood. They werent friends, they werent brothers, they were a part of each other. A real living breathing part of each other. When I saw his the teary eyed look on his face as they lowered part of him into the ground I saw more than grief and dispair and sadness. I saw a young man losing part of himself. Will things get better? yes of course, but they will never be the same as they were or could have been had this not happened. So instead of yelling at God, why did you take him, or how can you be so cruel. I will once again leave you with a quote from Gandolf. “Many that live deserve death. And some that die deserve life. Can you give it to them? Then do not be too eager to deal out death in judgement. For even the very wise cannot see all ends.”
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